The grief

Clown in the Moon

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose;
And all my grief flows from the rift
Of unremembered skies and snows.

I think, that if I touched the earth,
It would crumble;
It is so sad and beautiful,
So tremulously like a dream.

Dylan Thomas

Walking Around

It so happens I am sick of being a man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and moviehouses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarsesobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,
no more goods, no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.
It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moist houses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors
that ought to have wept from shame and terror,
there are umbrellas everywhere, and venoms, and umbilicalcords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings and orthopedic shops,
and courtyards with washing hanging from the line:
underwear, towels and shirts from which slow
dirty tears are falling.

Translated by Robert Bly

Pablo Neruda

If I weep

If I weep, if I come with excuses, my beloved puts cotton wool in his ears.
Every cruelty which he commits becomes him, every cruelty which he commits I endure.
If he accounts me nonexistent, I account his tyranny generosity.

The cure of the ache of my heart is the ache for him; how shall I not surrender my heart to his ache?Only then are glory and respect mine, when his glorious love renders me contemptible.
Only then does the vine of my body become wine, when the wine-presser stamps on me and
spurns me underfoot.

I yield my soul like grapes under the trampling, that my secret heart may make merry,
Though the grapes weep only blood, for I am vexed with this cruelty and tyranny.
He who pounds upon me puts cotton wool in his ears saying, “I do not press unwittingly.
If you disbelieve, you are excusable, but I am the Abu’l Hikam [the expert] in this affair.
When you burst under the labor of my feet, then you will render much thanks to me.”

Jalaluddin Rumi

Lu Apahal?The Story

Pic courtesy of Azrul Helmi http://zforzzz.fotopages.com/

According to the photographer,Mr Azrul Helmi,he could stare at the pic for hours. It's such a lovely piece, don't you think? This picture actually has a special meaning behind it. To read the quotation that gives you a better understanding on the pic, please click at the link given.

It was rather strange. I had a terrible week, yet it was full of interesting things. I owe you guys an apology for not updating on what was the public humiliation is all about.

I happened to go over for a meet the fans session in Sungai Wang Plaza on the weekend with a good friend of mine. The session was held to promote this particular group’s joint ventures with the third party Telco to promote their SMS services.

In the session, it was compulsory for those who want to take pictures or get the autographs to either have the CD or subscribe to the SMS services. The thing is, my friend who brought along her CD had asked whether we could take some pictures with the group before we stepped inside to proceed with our plan. The guy who was in charge at the entrance said ok and only then we went inside. At this point, we already realized that most of the fans who were inside, snapping pictures like hell didn’t have either the cd or wearing the tag that indicated that they are the members of the SMS service. My friend, who is a true fan of this group, was so excited and I let her to pose with them while I would be the photographer. When it came to my turn, suddenly this man out of nowhere came over and scolded my friend.

Pakcik Boroi : This is unfair. You tak jadi ahli (sms service) tapi you ambil gambar. Orang lain yang jadi ahli baru boleh ambik gambar, you tak jadi ahli nak ambik gambar.

I was stunned, kept my cool and stepped back. Adoiii! Just imagine, everybody was just staring at us, including the group. But believe me that Pakcik Boroi had messed with the wrong person. Right after that, I was so full of anger. Let me list down the things that triggered my “amukan syaitan” on that very day:

No member, no picture
Hellooooooooooo, both Pakcik Boroi and I are not blind. The other 30 people inside the shop who were posing maut with that group were not wearing the tag. Even worst, most of them didn’t even bring in the CD. Duhhhhh!

Double Standard
Those sexy ladies were let into the shop to take pictures. Alahai Pakcik! The cemetery already calling up la. People could tell that you are as old as Masjid Negara.. No need to act cool. Please take note that wearing wristband doesn’t make you a hip-hop fan.

Poor management
Bad location + Bad management +Chaos = BAD IMAGE

Ehem!Ehem! So, as a victim of the public humiliation I went to complain to the groupie’s manager about the incident. Below are the extracts from the discussion:

Manager : Those people are corporate people.

Well, I come from the corporate world too. I worked in the entertainment industry before, but the behavior is unacceptable. There were lots in there that didn’t have the CD or member of the SMS services. It was unfair to scold us both only. Next time, please use common sense ye pakcik? Better check the fans at the entrance rather than scolding them when they were already inside.

2. Manager : We are bound to the contract.
I do understand the situation but don’t you have your rights to explain on the crowd and the way to handle them? Which one that scares you the most? Losing your fans that buy your albums no matter how many times you repackage them or the Telco who sponsors you for a yearly contract?

Note: This friend of mine is so fond of this group that she bought every album in CDS and cassettes too.


3. Manager : They (Telco) are new in the entertainment industry
This is not a very good reason I suppose. As a manager, the guy was supposed to advise the Telco on the location, the security and the regulations that needed to be imposed on that day. It’s a crying shame to see the lack of professionalism in the entertainment industry. I suppose that’s the main reason why our entertainment industry stays almost the same after 30 years since we don’t really understand what professionalism really is.

Work

I have a new colleague, Miss Kaypo, who is seated in the other wing. She used to work there before and had a good understanding on the flows. The thing is I couldn’t stand her. Why? Because she keeps bugging me. e.g.:

Eh, why you have the document tracking system? Mine don’t have la.
** Adusss! Pepandai le nak bagi senang keje ko. Apsal le ko nie sangap sangat? Manage jek la department ko tu ikut cara ko. Lantak aku le aku nak manage dept aku camner pun**

Where’s Miss P? Let me know when she’s in.
** Then keep calling every 10 mins. Aku bukan secretary ko**

You tau ke? Tadi si %^*(_ tu cakap %&(_
**Nak buat mesyuarat tingkap pun tunggu le petang2 skit. Time aku kalut, time tu le ko nak gossip**

Eh, you busy ke? Nak I tolong ke?
**Department ko kan ada?Pehal la nak kaypo keje aku nie**

Note : ** aku cakap dalam hati**

She has all the energy to walk over to my place just to complain and gossips about other people. God! I have enough workload and I just don’t care about the office politics. I wish I had the magic wand to make her disappear.

I was supposed to do the database for stationary. Yes! You heard it right, developing database for stationary. I have not used my knowledge in programming for years. Out of the blue I had to juggle this project with 2 other projects together with the daily routines. Don’t blame me if I get cranky! LOL.

I thought I could at least delay the database for the stationary for another week because I have almost completed one of my projects. Alas, Miss Kaypo had ruined everything.

Miss Kaypo : How now? I already passed all the stationeries from my department to yours. Now I want to take some. You already done the inventory or not? What are you doing now? When to start? Difficult la like this. Can take the pen or not?

Miss P : Kekure, have you done the counting? The staff database done or not? When do you want to start counting the stationeries? Difficult la. Cannot order more you know. Over budget already. Have the database better. Can control them from taking so many pens.

Note : I used to have over 10 pens in my drawer. Now I have less than 3.Each time I asked the director to sign my documents when he walks by my place, he would take the pen with him afterwards. Lately, I hang out at others cubicles and end up taking their pens with me. muahahhahahaha.

Kekure : Take whatever you need. Just use the manual form first.

While saying this, I was already walking away from them and went straight to the pantry and helped myself with some cookies muahahhahahha. Came back after 10 minutes they were already gossiping about others.

Bored stiff!

Thank you so much to those who leave their comments in the comment box. Sorry if i don't leave mine in yours. Life is hectic and I don't have time to surf in the office. Usaha tangga kejayaan!

Sity : Have your baby learned to swim?

Syed : How's your new born baby?

Baby : Bleeding lagi ke? Hehehehe

Nana : Sudah la ko. Joned!i Lap u so strong!

Mute : Ko merajuk lagi ke?

Ida : Muacksssssssss!Miss u ever strongly!

Watie : Hawau u?Makan laksa ke?

Stoned : Amacam beb?Bila nak antar chocs kat aku?

Hazera : Tengok wayang free ajak le aku lagi

Nazrul : Lu apa cite beb?

Megat : Series!aku rindu jerome lebih dari aku rendo ko. Uwaaaaaaaaaaa!

Eka : Amacam keje beb?Bila nak belanja gaji pertama?

Lu Apahal?

I am so p***** off today. PERGI JANAMLAH LU!

Will write about the public humiliation after I come back from my hometown.

Lost Realist

The Happiest Day-The Happiest Hour

The happiest day- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt- that brightest hour
I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd- fell
An essence- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

It was a tiring week. Shocking news, a very long journey and Janji joni for the third time. Yes, you heard me right. Janji Joni for the third time. Credits to Ida for giving the movie pass for Janji Joni ;)

When all is said and done

I received not so shocking news this week. Most people thought that I’d either cry till my eyes bleed (literally), run to the nearest body shop to shop (would love to do this but am damn broke), watch my best friend’s wedding until my vcd player smokes up or hibernate for months.

I should thank these two persons for making my days:

1) Faye for agreeing to “mandi bunga” with all the flowers from Cameron Highlands.
2) My fave companion who had seen this coming long before. Thus I was mentally prepared way before I received the news.

Betty as always was worried about me. I told her not to be worried. I could be as calm as the sea. It’s interesting to see how people drop the bomb to the person that they thought as the most fragile thing in the whole wide world.

Books!Books!Books!

Been spending the last 3 weeks reading Falling Sideways by Tom Holt. It’s hilarious and highly recommended for those who like Brits Humors. Not suitable for those who allergic to frog.

Have bought the original illustrated Sherlock Holmes too. But this one might take a very long time to finish. Not only because it is very thick and fragile (you could use the book to kill the cockroaches) but also because I don’t read much at home. I usually read my books during lunch hour, in the LRT, at the LRT stations or while waiting for friends.

Am so excited to read the book that Habri bought for me when he was in Jakarta last week. Hopefully, he’ll find the time to finish it soon!

Does it pay to be kind?

Had an interesting conversation with Nana today. We talked about is it worth it for us to ever be so kind towards our friends. From my experience, in many circumstances people had always been taking advantages through my kindness. It really is difficult at times to accept the fact that people could have done that to you.

A few people had proved to me that my kindness could kills. Will I learnt my lesson soon? Might be! Will I stop being kind? Never!

If I were to die tonight

I will let my favourite someone knows how much he means to me. I’d recite him this poem :

Your Laughter

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,deny me bread, air,
light, spring,but never your laughter
for I would die.

Pablo Neruda

I might not get to finish the poem as it would be possible that he falls asleep or he would stop me from reciting it. There would be a higher percentage of me being nagged all day long for having the silly idea of wasting my last hours doing all these things. It doesn’t matter what he’s going to say since it won’t make any difference. I won’t care a bit about his response on the verge of my death. I’ll definitely be on the other side while he would have to cope with my death and the words that I have uttered before. He might have depression afterwards and have to see the shrink daily. I am pathetic, am I? LOL

I’d type the longest email ever and send it to Macca. In it, I will let him know that I don’t hold any grudges against him. I might as well leave my vcd/dvd/cd collections to him, depending on my sanity at that very moment. I shall then give him a call and demand him to confess that United is the best team in the whole universe and tell him to wear United’s jersey to work. Nobody would dare to let down any dying souls wouldn’t they?

I shall give all my books to my nephews and nieces. They’ll love it!
**Note to self:
1) blanco all the steamy parts!!!
2) explain to Angah that I don’t read dinasours books because it’s so uncool of me to read them. I only read the dinasours books to them but not to myself.
3) reading horror novels doesn’t make you any braver
4) advise Along not to button up his shirts up to his neck. He might end up being a geek when he grows up. God Forbid!

I will have one last meal with all the people that care to turn out at my farewell party. Friends new and old ones, Shamser Sindhu (drooling), Nicholas Saputra (dying to meet him in person) and Brad Pitt (this would be my last wish LOL) to have a drink with me. I might ask Brandon Boyd to sing me some songs too. It’d be party of the year then. Anuar Zain might offer to sing at the party for free. Jimmy Choo would send me a pair of kitten heels to wear so that I won’t die with my eyes open because I never got the chance to wear his collections in my entire life.Hey! Maybe I should sell the tickets to my party! Any takers?

I should tell mom that I love her cooking so much. I shall ask her to stop cooking for Gebob and Kojeh. It would be unfair of her to cook for them while I won’t be able to taste them anymore. Selfish?Hell I am!!

I might give my shirts to Kak Chik and Kak Yong so they would look retro when they wear them in 10 years. Gosh!They might be the next fashionistas!

Most probably, I’ll write down a movie script and pass it to Visitor so he could direct it with David Teh Cap Lipton and Usop Selam. Mom would be really proud of me.

Definitely, I’ll let everyone knows that I love them all so much. Though I doubt that I get as much as I’ve given out. It’s ok. Good things will come to those who are sincere.

I have to meet my fave companion first, so that I could kick him on the crotch and leave him lying on the roadside while a few wild dogs start to bite his butts. That would make me happy, definitely!

Bye bye baby

I straightly hit the sack after 9pm everyday. Been tired with work. Been tensed.

So long and Have a great life

In the past 10 months, 3 persons have vanished from my life. The first one to take a hike is abah. God knows how I’ve been coping with my lost when out of the blue Macca decided not to be in the picture anymore. While I am still coping with these 2 losses, my fave companion has decided not to be a part of my life.

As a consequence, I am now a bit reluctant to have any close contact with people. At the office, I hang out with my fellow colleagues occasionally. Most of the time, I’d be in my cubicle spending my time with reading and sometimes, I hang out with friends for lunch.


I begin to feel afraid that everybody would leave like these 3 people.Is it weird? Nope. You’ll understand how it feels like to having to experience these losses like me. You'll understand the meaning of being lonely.

Pic of the week

Had a great fun at the party though some people had complained about my failure as AJK MAKAN. Whatever!

This would be one of my fave pics. Might as well print it out and paste it in my cubicle. I found out that DC, the guy who sits in the next cubicle always checks out my drawer. We both are chocoholics and he knows that I always have lots of choc in my drawers. I can’t seem to understand why he likes jelly so much!


Paper Boats

Day by day I float my paper boats one by one down the running stream.

In bid black letters

I write my name on them and the name of the village where I live.

I hope that someone in some strange land will find them and know who I am.

I load my little boats with shiuli flower from our garden,

and hope that these blooms of the dawn will be carried safely to land in the night.

I launch my paper boats and look up into the sky and see the little clouds setting thee white bulging sails.

I know not what playmate of mine in the sky sends them down the air to race with my boats!

When night comes I bury my face in my arms and dream that mypaper boats float on and on under the midnight stars.

The fairies of sleep are sailing in them, and the lading ins their baskets full of dreams.

Sir Rabindranath Tagore