Sunday, December 25, 2005

Letter to Abah

I know my abah would never get to read this letter but still I want to write it down. A year has passed and I got lots of things to tell but there’s no one would ever be willing to listen like he did. So this letter is merely about my thoughts on stuff.

Dear Abah,

Mum just had her cataract removed a few weeks ago. When I was taking care of her I caught her crying silently. I suppose she wished that you were there to comfort her. Well, you know how mum is; she could easily get scared over nothing. She even asked the nurses if I should go into the operating theatre with her. Luckily they told her that it was so unnecessary and I could just waited at the ward. How grateful I was when I heard that coz I didn’t get much sleep the night before. Mum woke me up at 5am and asked me to get dressed. Remember how she likes to annoy me? Well, I guess this is one of the most annoying moments with mum LOL

Lots of things happened since you passed away. Mum is doing fine now and I guess she has started to get over you already. The other day when I went home, she slept on the bed that you have shared with her for 34 years and I took it as a good sign. I still don’t sleep on my bed though. When I lay down to sleep, I keep remembering the time when your body was laid on it. The kids are using it as their battlefield now so I suppose I would just let it be so long as it is not go wasted.

I suppose Tuk Wan misses you too though he’s on the verge of having Alzheimer. He still calls up your name sometimes and he would start to cry when mum slowly answers him and explains why you are not here anymore. It really is painful to hear it each time and I always pretend no to hear this.

Along, Angah, Kak Chik and Kak Yong are missing you ever since. The other day they compiled all of your pictures and put them in some new albums. I just realized that there is not a single picture of my childhood in there. Worry not, I don’t really mind. Maybe at that time you were too occupied with lots of things and you didn’t really be bothered to take my pictures at that time. Aliff have started to walk and he could utter a few words. Gebob is expecting her second child anytime now. I don’t speak to her for quite sometimes now. Things are not going really well between us girls. Lots need to be done if we want to patch things up.

Our relationship with your family is getting worse. Your siblings seemed to be trying hard to make our life miserable. Mum keeps losing her sleep each night over this matter. How I wish I could work some miracles and make things better for everyone. Why wouldn’t they let us live in peace? What have we done to them? It hurts so bad that I vowed never to step to Granny’s house anymore. Please forgive me Abah but you know long before that I could never tolerate this.

I found “To kill a mockingbird” in the storeroom with some of your books. There are few books that you bought for me that I never got to finish. Perhaps I’d try to read them all in 2006. Oh! One more thing! I’ve started to read poems again. I’ve started to collect and download the poems from the Internet too. Though how passionate I am about poems I always know that I would never be able to write any of my own hahahaha. Ah Kow’s dogs would still chase me up every time I walk pass his house. Where did I go wrong? Did I like to throw up stones at dogs when I was small? Why would they want to chase me and only me out of thousands people in our housing area? Do I deserve this terrible punishment just because I haven’t jog for years now? It drives me mad each time because I have to take the other road to get home. Mum told me that people have complained to City Council but each time they come over to catch the dogs they would never be anywhere in sight!

Remember our conversation in the car when we were on our last trip to Granny’s house 3 days before you passed away? The trial of Datuk Sharifah Aini versus Siti Nurhaliza had started but I don’t have any interest to follow the daily updates. I heard that Datuk Sharifah Aini’s team got some new evidence so the trial had been adjourned. I have watched Yasmin Ahmad’s latest movie “Gubra” and it really is a great movie. I got to watch Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket” the other day. It was such a pity that I couldn’t watch it with you because I know how much you loved the movies about Vietnam wars. Did you know that Mexico is in the same group as Portugal in Group B for the upcoming World Cup? I hope Portugal could at least get to the Semi-Final and England will finally win the World Cup! At least we could have more news about the England team rather than David Beckham’s scandals and new hairdos. By the way, Becks got his own perfume label and the perfume smells like weeds, but at least it’s slightly better than Andre Agassi’s Aramis. Still, I can’t wait to see the Italians and their sexy jerseys heehehhehe.

Think it’d be better if I stop now before I start to talk about my misery life, literally. Hope you have a good rest.


Your bored stiff daughter

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Things that should've been posted before

This posting was written during the MVA awards but I didn’t get to use the PC and my blog had some probs. I decided to post this up when I got a comment that I socialize too much and didn’t give my 110% during the important project. Duh!

Hey! It’s Saturday!

I finally got my weekends back, after spending my two weekends in the office. In order for me to celebrate, I decided to head to the National Art Gallery with Hazera and Jaja to attend the scriptwriting talk given by Da Boss, Yasmin Ahmad on a very sunny Saturday. It was a really exhilarating experience to learn more about the process of writing a script from Da Boss. But it was even more thrilling to see her sharing the enthusiasm with the participants.

Alas, my weariness has taken its toll. I fell asleep while watching the documentary about the making of Bajau Parang . If I were not tired, I believe that I would have watched the whole docu, so I should say that it was my loss then.

Since it was my first visit to the National Art Gallery, then I suppose I should write a bit about my experience there. The cafeteria’s ambience was good but the service given was horrendous. It was terribly slow and the waiter always got confused with the order. Duh! The directory too was somewhat confusing. On the directory it was shown that the National Art Gallery has its own surau. But when we asked about it, we were told to go to Istana Budaya instead. Perhaps, it’d be better if they could take out the surau’s sign from the directory to avoid any confusion.

All in all, it was a great day.

As promised, here’s a short note about hospital and why I never liked it

My mum and I arrived at the hospital quite early for her pre-surgery check-up. Armed with 3 books and a knapsack I stepped into the waiting area while mum went for her check-up. Lots of people were already there, either to have a regular check-up or to register for the surgery. After a few hours, mum and I were led to the ward.

It was really tense at first. I saw a 3-year-old child whose hand was broke and the doctor didn’t do anything until the training doctors came over so he could demonstrate the treatment. A lonely old woman who burnt 60% of her body who kept waiting for her sister to come over brought tears to my eyes. I wished I never had to see all these; alas I had to fulfill my responsibility towards my mum. Apart from the fact that I felt nauseous from the smell of the antiseptic, the sight of the suffering patients and the annoying nurses were some of the main reasons why I never liked the hospital. Not forget to mention the lack of cute doctors around the hospital must also be listed as th reason why I don't like the hospital hahaha!

I told mum that I wanted to go home for lunch and came back later on. But mum being mum, she didn’t let me to go anywhere. I was annoyed and decided to take a breather. I had the chance to walk around Taiping in the afternoon. I haven’t been there for a few years now. When I was little, I always spent my weekends and school holidays in Kampung Pinang with my godparents. Mum told me the other day that somebody told her that Ayah Lope had passed away not so long time ago. We didn’t keep in touch with them for years and I know that mum misses them too. I was such a great loss that I forgot to bring along a camera with me that day. There were many beautiful scenes and I never realized them before. Amongst the things that I realized the most is the hotel, which is called Hotel Paris that really reminded me of David and Nico.LOL.

There was a patient who supposed to have a surgery after mum. She was so scared that her daughters had to hold her hands all the time until the moment when she had to be pushed to operation theatre. It was funny and annoying at the same time when she couldn’t wait to ask my mum how the procedure was done as soon as she saw the nurses pushing my mum back into our room. Mum who was still numb just talking incoherently and that really freaked her out!

The best moment in the ward would be the visiting hour, which could give the same effect as the happy hour in bars and clubs or perhaps something even better; the mambo jambo in Zouk. The companionship brought by the visitors could soothe the weary souls even just for a few minutes. When both my sisters came over to visit they could tell that I was bored to death. Deep down I knew that they couldn’t thank God enough for giving the idea to the Chinese guy to invent the paper so that books could be printed out! I got to finish two books and started on a new one during my 3 days stay in the ward. At the end of the day it felt like a vacation instead but with some emotional holocaust!

Monday, December 19, 2005


My blog is back!Thank God for the miracle given!

Wanted to write but too sleepy hehehe...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

from The Book of Questions


Tell me, is the rose naked
or is that her only dress?

Why do trees conceal
the splendor of their roots?

Who hears the regrets
of the thieving automobile?

Is there anything in the world sadder
than a train standing in the rain?

Pablo Neruda

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Won't be around for the next few days..
Going to camp out in the hospital with me mum..
Feel free to drop me a few lines in the comment box..
Would write about the hospital experience when i come back,hopefully in one piece hehehe..
in the mean time,take care y'all!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Kekure on:

The Lover Asks Forgiveness Because Of His Many Moods

IF this importunate heart trouble your peace
With words lighter than air,
Or hopes that in mere hoping flicker and cease;
Crumple the rose in your hair;
And cover your lips with odorous twilight and say,
'O Hearts of wind-blown flame!
O Winds, older than changing of night and day,
That murmuring and longing came
From marble cities loud with tabors of old
In dove-grey faery lands;
From battle-banners,
fold upon purple fold,
Queens wrought with glimmering hands;
That saw young Niamh hover with love-lorn face
Above the wandering tide;
And lingered in the hidden desolate place
Where the last Phoenix died,
And wrapped the flames above his holy head;
And still murmur and long:
O piteous Hearts, changing till change be dead
In a tumultuous song':
And cover the pale blossoms of your breast
With your dim heavy hair,
And trouble with a sigh for all things longing for rest
The odorous twilight there.

William Butler Yeats


I almost got myself into depression when mom forgot to wish me happy birthday. As I was having my birthday dinner, at last I got the sms from her wishing me happy birthday. Although it seemed like she was somewhat forgotten about my real age still I was the happiest camper around. LOL.Kojeh sms-ed her birthday wish today. For god sake, it was 5 days ago! Well at least she remembered.


The Five People You Meet in Heaven. What could I say? Live our life to the fullest! One needs to read the book in order to understand why do we meet five people in heaven. If I were the writer, I might as well make it 25 people instead of 5 because I know a lot of people and they are somehow have impacts on my life. The book shall be more than one thousand pages and could also be used as doorstopper and other things deemed suitable.

I am currently reading The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night-Time. It’s hilarious and intelligent but full of empathy. I just bought ‘Tis (Frank McCourt) and Good Omens (Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett) for my reading while accompanying mom during her operation next week. I suppose I’d have a lot of time to kill and hopefully I could finish these 2 books without any distractions from the cute doctors around the hospital.LOL. Perhaps I’d try to memorize a few paragraph of Neruda’s poem from Ode to common things. Well, I never tried it before maybe I should give it a shot just for the fun of it!


I watched Harry Potter twice! I almost watch it for the 3rd time but I kept spending lots of time in the office and I have totally forgotten about my attempt to watch it for the 3rd time and set myself a new record. It was such a shame that Cedric Diggory had to die or I would have watched the movie for 2 weeks in a row!

Chicken Little was adorable. I do believe that there’d be quite a few people who would stop eating chicken for a couple of days after seeing the movie. KFC might have suffered a bit if their sales happened to drop for a few percents during the Chicken Little screenings around the world. I like all the songs in it but still I hope that the movie would have longer time duration. The idea of having Chicken Little to fall in love with the ugly duckling was quite cute but not convincing enough.LOL.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Ode to George Best

George Best (1946-2005)
Nothing But Death

There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere,
from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead,
with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.

Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it,
like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it,
with nofinger in it,comes and shouts with no mouth,
with no tongue, with nothroat.

Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.
I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets,
and suddenly breathes out:it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

Translated by Robert Bly
Pablo Neruda

Thursday, November 24, 2005

It's the time of the year!

This is one cute pic,don't you think so?

Self-Knowledge XVII

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying: Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth,"
but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul."
Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path.
" For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Khalil Gibran

I must confess that I am no poet. So I believe that this poem by Khalil Gibran sums up really well what I wish for on my birthday.

Thanks to those who went to the mamak with me, those who called and sms-ed me.You guys really made my day.

Shout out to my sayang, Megat who is now in Labuan. You know I miss you ever strongly LOL. Please come back! We all miss you so much!

What’s up?

I’ve been spending the last two weekends in the office. At last everything was done and I had my 12hours sleep yesterday. I hit the sack at 3pm and suddenly woke up at 8pm. I rushed to take a shower since I thought that I was late to work. I went straight to bed after realizing that I could have another 10 hours sleep and ended up waking up late this morning. Well at least I got the energy to wake up and go to work. Blurgh!

Faye came over to spend her weekend with me. Unfortunately I had to be in the office during the weekends and we ended up spending just a few hours of quality time together. Sorry sister! Bad timing I should say! Still, we managed to watch the red shoes together whereby I fell asleep during the most horrific part of the movie. I beg you guys not to waste your time to watch this movie unless you have amnesia and haven’t sleep for a few months. In that case I shall recommend you to watch the first cd and I put my life on it that you will be in the dreamland in no time!

Today, I was a bit flattered upon knowing that there are a few gossips which merely about my rivalry with the ever so boring women form the other wing. Don’t blame me please we Sagittarians are always being on the limelight, darling. Me being me, I just pretend as if I don’t know anything but only god knows how bored I am with all these silly things. Darn! If I could ever pretend that I love to kiss their ass then maybe these things won’t be happening. Possibly, I should come out with some gossips on my own and start to spread it to the kaypochi’s of the office and have a good laugh over this. LOL.

I read the newspaper about the sexual orientation amongst Malaysians. It is a very well-known fact that most of the students in the boarding schools as well as the universities students have been having problems on this matter since ages.

It is sad to learn that the government would still want to find the scapegoat to be blamed rather than finding a way to at least curb this from happening. What I remembered from my days in the boarding school, I had no time to socialize let alone finding the time to do all the hanky-panky thingy in the restrooms.LOL.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


If I weep

If I weep, if I come with excuses, my beloved puts cotton wool in his ears.
Every cruelty which he commits becomes him, every cruelty which he commits I endure.
If he accounts me nonexistent, I account his tyranny generosity.
The cure of the ache of my heart is the ache for him; how shall I not surrender my heart to his ache?
Only then are glory and respect mine, when his glorious love renders me contemptible.
Only then does the vine of my body become wine, when the wine-presser stamps on me and spurns me underfoot.
I yield my soul like grapes under the trampling, that my secret heart may make merry,
Though the grapes weep only blood, for I am vexed with this cruelty and tyranny.
He who pounds upon me puts cotton wool in his ears saying, “I do not press unwittingly.
If you disbelieve, you are excusable, but I am the Abu’l Hikam [the expert] in this affair.
When you burst under the labor of my feet, then you will render much thanks to me.”

Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Friday, November 18, 2005

Life in brief

This should be really brief

1st Anniversary

It’s been a year now. It feels like only yesterday. The whole family could get through it very well now especially mom. I suppose the other family members would have gone to the cemetery to pay their respect to dad. I know it’s a little bit mental but I don’t go to the cemetery. Why? I think maybe because I don’t like the smell of the earth especially after it rains.

Happy Birthday to myself!

I have lost the excitement to celebrate my birthday next week. I usually feel exhilarated a few weeks before and when it is approaching I would slowly loose the excitement and totally forgot about it. The greatest gift that I could have is to have another chance in life.

Despair is a sin

The prophet’s said, “ Despair is a sin:
The grace and benefits of the creator are infinite
You should never despair of such a benefactor;
Hold on with all your strength to the stirrups of God.”
Many miseries are hard to endure at the beginning
But then they are relieved, and their anguish vanishes.
After despair, many hopes flourish, just another darkness
Thousands of suns open and start to shine.
Our duty is to resign ourselves and do what God wills.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

What's love

Only Love Can Explain Love
Jalalludin Rumi

Being a lover shows itself in pain of heart;
No evil is comparable to this pain in the heart.
The suffering of lovers is different from all others;
Love is the astrolabe of the mysteries of God.
Whether love comes from earth or from heaven,
In the end it draws us to the Beloved:
Whatever I say to explain or describe Love
When I arrive at Love itself, I'm ashamed of my words.
The commentary of words can make things clear-
But Love without words has more clarity.
My pen was rushing to write its thought down;
When it came to Love, it broke in two.
In speaking of Love, the intellect is impotent,
Like a donkey trapped in a bog;
Only Love itself can explain Love,
Only Love can explain the destiny of lovers.
The roof of the sun is the sun itself:
If you want proof, don't turn your face away.


Pupus - Dewa

Aku tak mengerti
apa yang kurasa
rindu yang tak pernah
begitu hebatnya
aku mencintaimu
lebih dari yang kau tahu
meski kau takkan pernah tahu
aku persembahkan
hidupku untukmu
telah ku relakan
hatiku padamu
namun kau masih bisu
diam seribu bahasa
dan hati kecilku bicara
baru kusadari
cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan
kau buat remuk sluruh hatiku
semoga aku akan memahami
sisi hatimu yang beku
semoga akan datang keajaiban
hingga akhirnya kau pun mau

Monday, November 07, 2005

heart sink

It’s been a while since I last updated my blog. My mind kept trying to absorb the idea of me being a disgrace to the Malay race. At first I jumped into the conclusion that those who came out with the statement should either be a racist or have a very limited Malay friends. I didn’t want to enervate my brain so I decided to let the idea out of my mind. I believe that I should use my brain thinking about myself.

Wear my heart on my sleeve

Have you ever need to live with the feeling of yearning for something that would never possibly be yours and that something is right in front of you like forever? Well, I do. If I were in a good mood then I’d think that something would happen in the fullness of time. If not, I’d think that I was such a born loser. I have been having this tormenting feeling for as long as I could remember. It hurts so badly and I could never find a word to describe the pain that I have to endure.

Lately, the pain is somewhere between the pits and the ghastly. If I were to be given an option to end the pain, I’d be gladly to accept it though I’d miss the feeling of longing for the impossible. Alas, it makes me feel more helpless and yet I still believe that hope springs eternal.

Today I spoke to a few persons who have stopped hoping to find their soul mate. Even as I was having the conversation with them, my mind kept thinking about myself. Would I be like them someday or perhaps soon? Hope is like a food to my soul and I can’t survive a single minute without it. What does it feels like not having to long to see a person that you adore? Would it be 100 times better not having to suffer the throbbing pain every time you apart? Would your heart stop to elevate upon knowing that you have no one to crave for? Would your heart stop aching if you see him with someone else?

I consider myself as a skeptical in certain areas, which really annoys a few people who have been struggling to convince myself that there would still be something to look forward too. I believe that my highest gratitude goes to those who never give up on me.

Through Love

Through love bitter things seem sweet.
Through love scraps of copper are turned to gold
Through love dregs taste like clear wine.
Through love agonies are healing balms.
Through love thorns become roses.
Through love vinegar becomes rich wine.
Through love the scaffold becomes a throne.
Through love disaster becomes good fortune.
Through love a prison becomes a rose garden.
Through love burning fire is a fragrant light.
Through love the devil becomes an angel.
Through love stones become soft as butter.
Through love grief is like delight.
Through love demons become servants of God.
Through love stings are like honey.
Through love lions are harmless as mice.
Through love sickness is health.
Through love the dead are resurrected.
Through love the emperor becomes a slave

Jalalludin Rumi - Odes

Leave the Vulture Behind

Discursive Reason’s a vulture, my poor friend:
Its wings beat above a decaying corpse.
The Saint’s Reason is like the wings of Gabriel:
It soars in splendor, from stage to stage,
To rest in the shade of the Tree of Heaven.
It says, “I’m a royal hawk, I’m glorious and abundant,
I’ve nothing to do with a corpse; I’m not a vulture-
Leave the vulture behind and let me be your guide.
Just one of my wings will be of more help to you
Than a hundred thousand vulture in full flight.”

Jalalludin Rumi – Mathnawi

P/s: have been tagged by V ..Let's keep V waiting for this one LOL

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


forgive me my fellow malays for i have dishonored our malay..corteous malay

will write more like hell..

pic bukak poser

penjual mercun katak kampung melayu,ampang

pengedar SKYM bagi kawasan Penang,Kl,Selangor serta pemandu teksi tak bermeter

peserta peraduan mewarna anti dadah peringkat daerah kuala langat

minuman yang di taja oleh JLO

nazrul dengan gaya inzal noda limfa

Sunday, October 23, 2005

The saga continues

When I said that it was going to be a strange day, it did eventually turned from strange to horrific. What was the outcome? I had put my job in line, simply because I lost my temper. One thing about me is that when I get angry it means that I really am angry. I suppose that’s the problem when one can hardly get angry. So when I get angry it’d be awful.

I got so pissed off that I had showed the finger to a person without ever realizing that the witch saw me doing it. As a result, I had been warned that the witch would only need to tell the VP about my behavior to send me out the door. By learning this fact, I have lost the excitement to do my work let alone to drag myself ou of bed.

What makes me feel more aggravated is that the witch is so untouchable that we all need to succumb to all the hardships that we have to endure every time we need to get the VP’s approvals and other things that she handles too. I believe that it’s so pathetic that we can’t find any solutions to all the problems that arise each time we get into trouble with the witch. I was advised to be low profile and not to show my protest towards her openly. Man, after all the insults and difficulties that I went through the least that I want to do is to keep my mouth shut.

I desperately trying not to complain or causing any trouble at all. Alas, the things that I want to hinder the most had happened. I came back late from work yesterday since I had to arrange the traveling for a couple of guys. I could have settled the arrangements in less than 4 hours if it was not for the witch and her boss who had made things difficult. Just thinking about the time and energy wasted on these all made me feel like throwing up.

To stir things up, the witch had also labeled me as very bad Malay for showing her the finger. Racist? Indeed. In the al-quran it is said that races were created so that we could learn from each other. There are no races better than the other; basically we all are much the same regardless of your skin colors or languages. I must confess that in my mind I try not to judge people based on their race but rather on their individualities. So what do I felt when I found out about the label that she put on me? I felt pity to her children because they have a mother who is so racist and evil at the same time. If I were to be her child, I might have slit my throat and let my blood flows on her new carpet. LOL.

I slept the whole day and night, because of the emotional drained. Pray that it’d be sunnier on Monday.

Coldplay - Trouble
O no,
I see,I
spun a web,
it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?A spider web,
and I'm caught in the middle,I
turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.
O no I see,A
spider web and it's me in the middle,S
o I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,
Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

It's all about Ricky Martin!

I had 8 hours of sleep last night. I had very strange dreams, which really was terrifying. My day started strangely this morning and I guess it’s going to be a very strange day indeed.

The good news is Ricky Martin is out with his new album. What’s so good about it? Well, I’m sick and tired to listen to his old songs that have been on air like forever. With a bit of luck, I hope this album will have catchier tunes and brainy lyrics. To be honest, I don’t really care about Ricky Martin. I just want to write something about him since his video clip is on MTV as I updating the blog. LOL.

A horrific incident happened to me yesterday. It all started with me asking for my documents that needed to be approved from one of the directors, which I shall, named as MJ. Well, the incident actually happened between his assistant, the Witch and I.

I went to ask about the status of my documents from the Witch for the 3rd times in 6 hours. Three is not a lucky number for me. On the third time that I went to see her, I knew that she’d be really pissed off to see me.

Kekure : Have MJ signed up the documents yet?

Witch : Can’t you see that his door is closed?He’s having a meeting and he refused to sign? How many times do I have to tell you? (Yelling her lungs out)

You know this type of person who has worked at one place for a very long time and they feel like they have all the rights and powers to do as they wish? The witch is definitely one of them. When she was yelling at me, I suddenly felt pity for her. Deep down inside she must have been a recluse. I suppose, she should find the right person to show her what it feels like to be having fun. The only funs that she might have are either while gossiping or bullying others.

I think don’t really care to get back to her soon. But eventually I will. Muahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhaha!

edited at 15:32


Too pissed off to be working today

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Silence Is Easy

Everybody says that their looking for a shelter,
got a lot to give but I don't know how to help her,
I should just let it go till they learn how to grow,
and how to liberate.

Everybody says that she's looking for a shelter,
got a lot to give but I don't know how I felt her,
they should just let it go till these cities learn to grow,
and how to liberate.

Silence is easy,
it just becomes me,
you don't even know me,
all lie about me.

Everybody says that I'm looking for a home now,
looking for a boy or I'm looking for a girl now,
I can still let it go,
I can still learn to grow,
into a child again.

Silence is easy,
it just becomes me,
you don't even know me,
why lie about me.

Silence is easy,
it just becomes me,
you don't even know me,
why do you hate me.

**WRITER'S BLOCK..will write more later**

edited at 12.30pm
Today is definitely the day where I should be idle

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Great soundtrack!luv them!

You get to see Becks for 20secs, Zizou and Raul for 25 secs and Alan Shearer for 2 minutes. Is it worth it?For me Yes!Coz i got to see the Reds lost to the Magpies.Luckily United was not the one being trashed in the movie.It was the Reds,which IMHO suited them just fine!LOL

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Khayalan Tingkat Tinggi

Sing along with me!

Had a hell of a weekend.


It was great to be home, as always. But when we broke the fast, everybody suddenly went into the still mode. Tuk Wan tried hard to hold back his tears while everybody ate silently. It was terrible just to think of it. Last year, while we had our meal, abah would be sitting on his lazy chair, holding Aliff Najmi while chit chatting with us while we had our meals. This year, Tuk Wan replaced him and staring at the empty space.

Kak Chik said to me, it’s such a pity that Aliff and Gebob’s unborn child have not the chance to know abah. She was sad as she felt that she only had a brief moment with abah. I asked my fave someone the other day about his loss. My fave someone said he wouldn’t change anything if he had been given the chance to do so. I for once had to agree with him.


Met a long lost friend and we tried to make up for all those times that we have lost. The best part would be the karaoke session. Thanks to the Japanese who had invented the karaoke machine! I don’t know why, but I always go for a karaoke during the fasting month. What’s with Ramadan and the karaoke? LOL

My fave someone who always anticipates with the idea of spending quality time at the karaoke sang his songs with gusto. It’s always remarkable to see him in that mode since he is usually pokerfaced. The transformation of his mode is always stimulating. The best bit was when Oat had chosen the wrong song and neither of us had any ideas on how to sing the song. As always, we made out our own tunes. Looking at the way we karaoke that night, we could have been chosen as the customers from hell.


It’s odd how people come and go in my life while it could be exhilarating at times just to think of it.


Hectic, but fun. Late for work as usual. Today, I was rushing to work and burnt my scarf while ironing. It was the second scarf in less than a week. Such a tragic! Sigh! I need to buy myself two alarm clocks, I suppose. Anybody wants to buy them for me? LOL

What are you reading?

Highly recommended especially to those who don’t like this type of book like me. Will review more when I’m done, which could means in another 3 months. LOL.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The grief

Clown in the Moon

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose;
And all my grief flows from the rift
Of unremembered skies and snows.

I think, that if I touched the earth,
It would crumble;
It is so sad and beautiful,
So tremulously like a dream.

Dylan Thomas

Walking Around

It so happens I am sick of being a man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and moviehouses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarsesobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,
no more goods, no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.
It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moist houses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors
that ought to have wept from shame and terror,
there are umbrellas everywhere, and venoms, and umbilicalcords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings and orthopedic shops,
and courtyards with washing hanging from the line:
underwear, towels and shirts from which slow
dirty tears are falling.

Translated by Robert Bly

Pablo Neruda

If I weep

If I weep, if I come with excuses, my beloved puts cotton wool in his ears.
Every cruelty which he commits becomes him, every cruelty which he commits I endure.
If he accounts me nonexistent, I account his tyranny generosity.

The cure of the ache of my heart is the ache for him; how shall I not surrender my heart to his ache?Only then are glory and respect mine, when his glorious love renders me contemptible.
Only then does the vine of my body become wine, when the wine-presser stamps on me and
spurns me underfoot.

I yield my soul like grapes under the trampling, that my secret heart may make merry,
Though the grapes weep only blood, for I am vexed with this cruelty and tyranny.
He who pounds upon me puts cotton wool in his ears saying, “I do not press unwittingly.
If you disbelieve, you are excusable, but I am the Abu’l Hikam [the expert] in this affair.
When you burst under the labor of my feet, then you will render much thanks to me.”

Jalaluddin Rumi

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Lu Apahal?The Story

Pic courtesy of Azrul Helmi

According to the photographer,Mr Azrul Helmi,he could stare at the pic for hours. It's such a lovely piece, don't you think? This picture actually has a special meaning behind it. To read the quotation that gives you a better understanding on the pic, please click at the link given.

It was rather strange. I had a terrible week, yet it was full of interesting things. I owe you guys an apology for not updating on what was the public humiliation is all about.

I happened to go over for a meet the fans session in Sungai Wang Plaza on the weekend with a good friend of mine. The session was held to promote this particular group’s joint ventures with the third party Telco to promote their SMS services.

In the session, it was compulsory for those who want to take pictures or get the autographs to either have the CD or subscribe to the SMS services. The thing is, my friend who brought along her CD had asked whether we could take some pictures with the group before we stepped inside to proceed with our plan. The guy who was in charge at the entrance said ok and only then we went inside. At this point, we already realized that most of the fans who were inside, snapping pictures like hell didn’t have either the cd or wearing the tag that indicated that they are the members of the SMS service. My friend, who is a true fan of this group, was so excited and I let her to pose with them while I would be the photographer. When it came to my turn, suddenly this man out of nowhere came over and scolded my friend.

Pakcik Boroi : This is unfair. You tak jadi ahli (sms service) tapi you ambil gambar. Orang lain yang jadi ahli baru boleh ambik gambar, you tak jadi ahli nak ambik gambar.

I was stunned, kept my cool and stepped back. Adoiii! Just imagine, everybody was just staring at us, including the group. But believe me that Pakcik Boroi had messed with the wrong person. Right after that, I was so full of anger. Let me list down the things that triggered my “amukan syaitan” on that very day:

No member, no picture
Hellooooooooooo, both Pakcik Boroi and I are not blind. The other 30 people inside the shop who were posing maut with that group were not wearing the tag. Even worst, most of them didn’t even bring in the CD. Duhhhhh!

Double Standard
Those sexy ladies were let into the shop to take pictures. Alahai Pakcik! The cemetery already calling up la. People could tell that you are as old as Masjid Negara.. No need to act cool. Please take note that wearing wristband doesn’t make you a hip-hop fan.

Poor management
Bad location + Bad management +Chaos = BAD IMAGE

Ehem!Ehem! So, as a victim of the public humiliation I went to complain to the groupie’s manager about the incident. Below are the extracts from the discussion:

Manager : Those people are corporate people.

Well, I come from the corporate world too. I worked in the entertainment industry before, but the behavior is unacceptable. There were lots in there that didn’t have the CD or member of the SMS services. It was unfair to scold us both only. Next time, please use common sense ye pakcik? Better check the fans at the entrance rather than scolding them when they were already inside.

2. Manager : We are bound to the contract.
I do understand the situation but don’t you have your rights to explain on the crowd and the way to handle them? Which one that scares you the most? Losing your fans that buy your albums no matter how many times you repackage them or the Telco who sponsors you for a yearly contract?

Note: This friend of mine is so fond of this group that she bought every album in CDS and cassettes too.

3. Manager : They (Telco) are new in the entertainment industry
This is not a very good reason I suppose. As a manager, the guy was supposed to advise the Telco on the location, the security and the regulations that needed to be imposed on that day. It’s a crying shame to see the lack of professionalism in the entertainment industry. I suppose that’s the main reason why our entertainment industry stays almost the same after 30 years since we don’t really understand what professionalism really is.


I have a new colleague, Miss Kaypo, who is seated in the other wing. She used to work there before and had a good understanding on the flows. The thing is I couldn’t stand her. Why? Because she keeps bugging me. e.g.:

Eh, why you have the document tracking system? Mine don’t have la.
** Adusss! Pepandai le nak bagi senang keje ko. Apsal le ko nie sangap sangat? Manage jek la department ko tu ikut cara ko. Lantak aku le aku nak manage dept aku camner pun**

Where’s Miss P? Let me know when she’s in.
** Then keep calling every 10 mins. Aku bukan secretary ko**

You tau ke? Tadi si %^*(_ tu cakap %&(_
**Nak buat mesyuarat tingkap pun tunggu le petang2 skit. Time aku kalut, time tu le ko nak gossip**

Eh, you busy ke? Nak I tolong ke?
**Department ko kan ada?Pehal la nak kaypo keje aku nie**

Note : ** aku cakap dalam hati**

She has all the energy to walk over to my place just to complain and gossips about other people. God! I have enough workload and I just don’t care about the office politics. I wish I had the magic wand to make her disappear.

I was supposed to do the database for stationary. Yes! You heard it right, developing database for stationary. I have not used my knowledge in programming for years. Out of the blue I had to juggle this project with 2 other projects together with the daily routines. Don’t blame me if I get cranky! LOL.

I thought I could at least delay the database for the stationary for another week because I have almost completed one of my projects. Alas, Miss Kaypo had ruined everything.

Miss Kaypo : How now? I already passed all the stationeries from my department to yours. Now I want to take some. You already done the inventory or not? What are you doing now? When to start? Difficult la like this. Can take the pen or not?

Miss P : Kekure, have you done the counting? The staff database done or not? When do you want to start counting the stationeries? Difficult la. Cannot order more you know. Over budget already. Have the database better. Can control them from taking so many pens.

Note : I used to have over 10 pens in my drawer. Now I have less than 3.Each time I asked the director to sign my documents when he walks by my place, he would take the pen with him afterwards. Lately, I hang out at others cubicles and end up taking their pens with me. muahahhahahaha.

Kekure : Take whatever you need. Just use the manual form first.

While saying this, I was already walking away from them and went straight to the pantry and helped myself with some cookies muahahhahahha. Came back after 10 minutes they were already gossiping about others.
Bored stiff!

Thank you so much to those who leave their comments in the comment box. Sorry if i don't leave mine in yours. Life is hectic and I don't have time to surf in the office. Usaha tangga kejayaan!

Sity : Have your baby learned to swim?

Syed : How's your new born baby?

Baby : Bleeding lagi ke? Hehehehe

Nana : Sudah la ko. Joned!i Lap u so strong!

Mute : Ko merajuk lagi ke?

Ida : Muacksssssssss!Miss u ever strongly!

Watie : Hawau u?Makan laksa ke?

Stoned : Amacam beb?Bila nak antar chocs kat aku?

Hazera : Tengok wayang free ajak le aku lagi

Nazrul : Lu apa cite beb?

Megat : Series!aku rindu jerome lebih dari aku rendo ko. Uwaaaaaaaaaaa!

Eka : Amacam keje beb?Bila nak belanja gaji pertama?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Lu Apahal?

I am so p***** off today. PERGI JANAMLAH LU!
Will write about the public humiliation after I come back from my hometown.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Lost Realist

The Happiest Day-The Happiest Hour

The happiest day- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt- that brightest hour
I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd- fell
An essence- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

It was a tiring week. Shocking news, a very long journey and Janji joni for the third time. Yes, you heard me right. Janji Joni for the third time. Credits to Ida for giving the movie pass for Janji Joni ;)

When all is said and done

I received not so shocking news this week. Most people thought that I’d either cry till my eyes bleed (literally), run to the nearest body shop to shop (would love to do this but am damn broke), watch my best friend’s wedding until my vcd player smokes up or hibernate for months.

I should thank these two persons for making my days:

1) Faye for agreeing to “mandi bunga” with all the flowers from Cameron Highlands.
2) My fave companion who had seen this coming long before. Thus I was mentally prepared way before I received the news.

Betty as always was worried about me. I told her not to be worried. I could be as calm as the sea. It’s interesting to see how people drop the bomb to the person that they thought as the most fragile thing in the whole wide world.


Been spending the last 3 weeks reading Falling Sideways by Tom Holt. It’s hilarious and highly recommended for those who like Brits Humors. Not suitable for those who allergic to frog.

Have bought the original illustrated Sherlock Holmes too. But this one might take a very long time to finish. Not only because it is very thick and fragile (you could use the book to kill the cockroaches) but also because I don’t read much at home. I usually read my books during lunch hour, in the LRT, at the LRT stations or while waiting for friends.

Am so excited to read the book that Habri bought for me when he was in Jakarta last week. Hopefully, he’ll find the time to finish it soon!

Does it pay to be kind?

Had an interesting conversation with Nana today. We talked about is it worth it for us to ever be so kind towards our friends. From my experience, in many circumstances people had always been taking advantages through my kindness. It really is difficult at times to accept the fact that people could have done that to you.

A few people had proved to me that my kindness could kills. Will I learnt my lesson soon? Might be! Will I stop being kind? Never!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

If I were to die tonight

I will let my favourite someone knows how much he means to me. I’d recite him this poem :

Your Laughter

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,deny me bread, air,
light, spring,but never your laughter
for I would die.

Pablo Neruda

I might not get to finish the poem as it would be possible that he falls asleep or he would stop me from reciting it. There would be a higher percentage of me being nagged all day long for having the silly idea of wasting my last hours doing all these things. It doesn’t matter what he’s going to say since it won’t make any difference. I won’t care a bit about his response on the verge of my death. I’ll definitely be on the other side while he would have to cope with my death and the words that I have uttered before. He might have depression afterwards and have to see the shrink daily. I am pathetic, am I? LOL

I’d type the longest email ever and send it to Macca. In it, I will let him know that I don’t hold any grudges against him. I might as well leave my vcd/dvd/cd collections to him, depending on my sanity at that very moment. I shall then give him a call and demand him to confess that United is the best team in the whole universe and tell him to wear United’s jersey to work. Nobody would dare to let down any dying souls wouldn’t they?

I shall give all my books to my nephews and nieces. They’ll love it!
**Note to self:
1) blanco all the steamy parts!!!
2) explain to Angah that I don’t read dinasours books because it’s so uncool of me to read them. I only read the dinasours books to them but not to myself.
3) reading horror novels doesn’t make you any braver
4) advise Along not to button up his shirts up to his neck. He might end up being a geek when he grows up. God Forbid!

I will have one last meal with all the people that care to turn out at my farewell party. Friends new and old ones, Shamser Sindhu (drooling), Nicholas Saputra (dying to meet him in person) and Brad Pitt (this would be my last wish LOL) to have a drink with me. I might ask Brandon Boyd to sing me some songs too. It’d be party of the year then. Anuar Zain might offer to sing at the party for free. Jimmy Choo would send me a pair of kitten heels to wear so that I won’t die with my eyes open because I never got the chance to wear his collections in my entire life.Hey! Maybe I should sell the tickets to my party! Any takers?

I should tell mom that I love her cooking so much. I shall ask her to stop cooking for Gebob and Kojeh. It would be unfair of her to cook for them while I won’t be able to taste them anymore. Selfish?Hell I am!!

I might give my shirts to Kak Chik and Kak Yong so they would look retro when they wear them in 10 years. Gosh!They might be the next fashionistas!

Most probably, I’ll write down a movie script and pass it to Visitor so he could direct it with David Teh Cap Lipton and Usop Selam. Mom would be really proud of me.

Definitely, I’ll let everyone knows that I love them all so much. Though I doubt that I get as much as I’ve given out. It’s ok. Good things will come to those who are sincere.

I have to meet my fave companion first, so that I could kick him on the crotch and leave him lying on the roadside while a few wild dogs start to bite his butts. That would make me happy, definitely!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Bye bye baby

I straightly hit the sack after 9pm everyday. Been tired with work. Been tensed.

So long and Have a great life

In the past 10 months, 3 persons have vanished from my life. The first one to take a hike is abah. God knows how I’ve been coping with my lost when out of the blue Macca decided not to be in the picture anymore. While I am still coping with these 2 losses, my fave companion has decided not to be a part of my life.

As a consequence, I am now a bit reluctant to have any close contact with people. At the office, I hang out with my fellow colleagues occasionally. Most of the time, I’d be in my cubicle spending my time with reading and sometimes, I hang out with friends for lunch.

I begin to feel afraid that everybody would leave like these 3 people.Is it weird? Nope. You’ll understand how it feels like to having to experience these losses like me. You'll understand the meaning of being lonely.

Pic of the week

Had a great fun at the party though some people had complained about my failure as AJK MAKAN. Whatever!

This would be one of my fave pics. Might as well print it out and paste it in my cubicle. I found out that DC, the guy who sits in the next cubicle always checks out my drawer. We both are chocoholics and he knows that I always have lots of choc in my drawers. I can’t seem to understand why he likes jelly so much!

Paper Boats

Day by day I float my paper boats one by one down the running stream.

In bid black letters

I write my name on them and the name of the village where I live.

I hope that someone in some strange land will find them and know who I am.

I load my little boats with shiuli flower from our garden,

and hope that these blooms of the dawn will be carried safely to land in the night.

I launch my paper boats and look up into the sky and see the little clouds setting thee white bulging sails.

I know not what playmate of mine in the sky sends them down the air to race with my boats!

When night comes I bury my face in my arms and dream that mypaper boats float on and on under the midnight stars.

The fairies of sleep are sailing in them, and the lading ins their baskets full of dreams.

Sir Rabindranath Tagore

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Sebagai peserta kempen belog dalam bahasa malaysia yang di anjurkan oleh, saya dengan rasa rendah diri mempersembahkan hasil tulisan saya buat pertama kali di dalam bahasa malaysia bersempena dengan sambutan hari kemerdekaan ke 48.

Sebagai seorang wanita yang baru sahaja menyambut hari wanita dan kini menyambut hari kemerdekaan pula, saya fikir wanita sebenarnya masih belum merdeka dalam erti kata sebenar.

Benar,wanita boleh melakukan apa sahaja yang lelaki lakukan kini.Tetapi merdekakah wanita bila mereka masih di nilai dari paras rupa dan bukannya kebolehan dan kelayakan masing-masing?Sedarkah anda bahawa lelaki yang tidak mempunyai paras rupa dan boleh di kategorikan sebagai muka pecah pintu masih boleh mendapat pekerjaan sebagai seorang eksekutif dengan gaji kasar sebanyak RM 2,500?Jika anda adalah seorang wanita,anda akan di nilai dari paras rupa dan kepandaian anda untuk mengambil hati bos dan rakan sekerja serta ciri-ciri lain yang merangkumi 70% dari sebab musabab kenapa anda boleh di ambil bekerja di sesuatu syarikat.

Kenapakah tulisan saya berbaur kemarahan?Saya sudah muak menjadi mangsa di zaman kemerdekaan.Saya merupakan seorang yg bermuka pecah pintu dan sering membuat kerja bagi pihak wanita yang mempunyai paras rupa yang menarik tetapi tidak berkebolehan dalam melaksanakan tugasan yang telah di berikan oleh pihak syarikat kepadanya.

Kalau camtu kan ke senang kalau bos dia amik jek aku keje?

Sekian luahan saya di dalam bahasa malaysia.

Terima kasih

Sunday, August 28, 2005


The only pic that I ever took in a wedding ceremony

Wedding blues

I broke my rituals! I attended a wedding last Sunday! I could only attend one wedding a year. I am not really fond about the idea of attending any weddings at all. It has nothing to do with my age or my marital status. The thing is, I tend to feel uncomfortable at weddings. People will make comparisons at the very second you go to say hi to the host right to when you walk out to leave the ceremony. The makcik2 especially will list out who has the best clothes, the best car, the best job etc.

Apart from that, I could have a very low-esteem when it comes to eating in wedding. I could be damn hungry but still eat a small portion. I am afraid that the makcik-makcik will say that I eat like a pig! Like last week, I had to get something else to eat after I came back from my cousin’s wedding. LOL

Can you recognize me?

So I went to my cousin’s wedding. Actually I don’t have any ideas on who got married that day. As far as I know, I had to attend the wedding on my family’s behalf and I had to be there by hook or by crook. Mum even called me up at 8am to remind me of the wedding. She was mad since I was still asleep whilst I had to be at the wedding before noon. I assured her that I’d be there before the wedding ended. In fact I got there with a couple of friends right after the bersanding.

I am not that close with my father’s side. I must confess that I barely know his siblings. I even had troubling recognizing my aunt, which was the host of the wedding. I went to see the family after I had my meal. Mind you, my stomach was grumbling like a mad cow and I definitely had to take my lunch before I lost my appetite after hearing them giving a long speech about my family.

I went to see my granny who cried when she saw me. Then I got to see a bunch of aunts and uncles whom never met in my entire life. Suddenly this woman came to me and asked me whether I know her. Oh Man! How could expect that I’d still remember who you are when the last time that we met was 12 years ago? I bluntly answered her: I have no idea, I’m sorry. She was cool about it, lucky me! She is my aunt, one of the persons who accepted mum into the family with open arms 36 years ago.

If we can’t get you, we’re going to get your kid!

I have an aunt who really is the pain in the ass. Till today, I can’t bare to speak to her for more than 5 minutes. Abah knew really well how I couldn’t stand her at all. I could still tolerate with others but not her. In our conversation, well more like a mumbling to me, I found out that her only child is in Faye’s school. I could sense the kid’s hatred towards Faye from the way she talked about Faye.

I straightaway informed Faye to keep a close eye on her so Faye could bully her on our behalf. You don’t know how happy Kojeh and I about our devilish plan. She had bullied my mum throughout her marriage to abah. So that’s the least we could do to seek some revenge for mum. Muahahhahahahaha!

What? Hi-heels?

I was given a pair of hi-heels during a retail therapy session with friend who had been dumped by her 3-years boyfriend. I got to wear them to the wedding, and I swear I felt the earth shaking violently under my feet!

Bonjour Monsieur

I have started a new job.Yeay!V sms-ed me to stop worshipping those French guys. He was afraid that my mind as a typical Malaysians would be subjugated by those hotties.LOL. I had been given a few tasks that need to be done in a month. So I suppose I need to work even harder, to impress my boss and big boss.

The office is so big and there are lots of cubicles. I was lost in it a few times while trying to find the way back to mine. I pretended that I deliberately go there to get to know them and it worked out well. So now you know, never to call and ask me for directions since I have lost my sense of directions. Have you seen it anywhere before?

James Blunt - You're beautiful

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Rainy Sunday

Pic courtesy of Azrul Helmi
XVII (I do not love you...)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The beautiful side of somewhere

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

It was a very hot and humid day. I rushed to the dentist to do the scalding and forgot to bring anything else but some money. I was hoping to see my favorite dentist who had been my dentist for quite sometimes. While I was waiting for my turn, I read a month old newspaper, which featured Craig Foong. He as always looked so sharp in the pictures. I was struggling like mad to stop myself from drooling. He would be the perfect candidate to play the role as a lifeguard in any beach movies.

When I went in to see the dentist, I was so shocked to see that it was not my favorite dentist who was on duty. He had been replaced with a monster! He asked me to open out my mouth, as wide as I could. I couldn’t help it but to notice his hairy arms and big tummy. I tried to distract my mind by reading the posters on the wall but to no avail. I kept thinking that it’d be a disaster if the hair on his arms fell into my mouth while he was doing the scalding. Come to think of it, I might gargle with Clorox for a month! I almost choked myself to death whenever I saw the hairy arms moving around my face when suddenly I remembered Craig Foong’s pictures that I saw in the newspaper. I even thought to send a thank you note to the Star writer who wrote the articles on Craig Foong.

As I was about to amuse myself with how vivid my memory was the dentist suddenly moved my head and let it rest on his tummy. Just imagine how painful it was at that time?I had to endure the pain of scalding while my head moved up and down as the dentist breathed in and out. Oh my dear friend, this was definitely the worst trip ever to the dentist. What had I done that made me deserved all these? Did I kick a cat that morning? Did I spit on mom’s roses? Did I wear my shirt inside out? Well, none of it obviously.

I prayed hard that the whole thing would be done in 5minutes. To make things worst, I had to argue with him so that he’d polished my teeth. Seriously, I need to find myself a new dentist!


I went to watch Ungu Violet twice! Nana and I went to watch it on the first day of its screenings and the second time was with Mustlyana who wanted to watch it badly today. luckily I was not thrown out of the theatre since we both kept giggling and fooling around. Not forget to mention that we both were seated right infront of the screen!

I shall agree with most of the movie buffs: this movie certainly has a good cinematography but a weak storyline. Rizky Hanggono as Lando definitely reminds me of my fave someone. Emotionless but warmth sometimes!

Down memory lane

I read some of the emails that I sent to Macca. I realized that he had done the thing that I told him to do long before. I told him that I wished he’d say good-bye so I could get on with my life. That was what he did. I am glad in a way that he is not a part of my life any more. Did I curse him before with my limited cursing vocabulary? Yes, I did. But now, I hope that everything works out fine for him.

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Friday, August 12, 2005


I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
On my own
I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

Saturday, August 06, 2005

From the bottom of my broken heart

It’s no use crying over spilt milk

It was a very depressing slumber party. I managed to avoid talking about their break up by watching IT. It felt like my eyes were glued to the screen. It really is stressful to think about how she’s going to cope living without him.

She started asking me to ask her ex to join us for lunch. I totally ignored her plan. How could I make her see that this is not the right way to deal with the break up? She started to cry after that. Luckily, the tears meant nothing. I let her cried all her might but no I don’t want to be involved in the crying game.

He on the other hand, is happy to go on living. Keep the new lover aside; we can clearly see that he has a lot of reasons to live. Why does it matter if he changed? What if he changed for the good? Who are we to judge him?

I don’t know for how long is she going to live like this. Once she wakes up she’ll start crying as if she doesn’t want to wake up anymore. The day is not as beautiful as it used to be and the roses are not as sweet as they supposed to be.
Is it worth it to waste your valuable life longing for someone who dumped you because he thinks that you are not worth of his love?

Was it my fault if I am ugly?

I was at KLCC again today, this time around with Nana. We tried to get a cab but to no avail. I lost my temper because of the incidents that I listed below and yes I too was surprised to learn that I needed lots of incidents before I really got angry.


Would it matters if we cut the queues? Yes it is. For me, it means a lot. You show that you acknowledge the people before you has queued up long before you got there. Unfortunately, in lots of cases people just don’t care about this anymore. I was waving like mad to stop a taxi when suddenly a group of people rushed to the taxi that stopped for me. I felt disgusted and almost threw up. I thanked god that I didn’t really threw up at that time. The sight of a young lady covered with her vomit is not a very pleasant sight, especially if it happens right in front of KLCC. What if it really did happen? I’ll definitely avoid that place for 5 years, let alone to drive along Jalan Ampang.

In another incident, I tried to hail the taxi but then the taxi driver stopped to pick up some tourists that queued up after me. The tourists told the taxi driver that we got there before them. Still, the taxi driver insisted to take them instead of us. Was I mad? Yes. But it was still not enough for me to start cursing.

2)Hey beautiful

In my limited cursing vocabulary i.e. your underwear smell like cow dunk, I had started cursing right after this incident. There was a pretty girl who cut our queue. She managed to hail a few taxi compared to us who had been queuing for a while but none of the taxi stopped for us.

Upon seeing this I lost my temper. Is there any significant proves that one must have a good look to hail a cab? In that case, all the ugly ducklings should stick to the smelly metro buses and LRT since it is impossible for them to hail a cab. It would bring a lot of hazards to taxi drivers. For instance, the taxi driver would have to drive as fast as he could since he couldn’t stand the thought of having some ugly creatures in the back seat. As a result, he slams his car onto the divider. What about those taxi drivers who puke out whenever they see the ugly ducklings queuing up on the side of the road waiting for taxis?

Glade would make a hell lot of money. The air freshener business as well as the car wash would have customers’ non-stop. It’ll contribute a lot to the Malaysia’s economy. Come to think of it those small businesses like Ah V’s car wash would make millions, just like the AP’s holders.

How’s your job

Well, I quit my job. No, I’m not proud of it. I went for dinner in KLCC and I was really late to go back to work. So I decided that this is it. I don’t want to be stuck with the scripts anymore. Then I went home, watched TV and started to enjoy my joblessness. Again!

What’s next?

Somebody that I just knew asks me: What do you really want to do? Have I the answer? Affirmatively no.


What's wrong with you, with us, what's happening to us?
Ah our love is a harsh cord that binds us wounding us and if we want to leave our wound,
to separate,
it makes a new knot for us and condemns us to drain our blood and burn together.
What's wrong with you?
I look at you and I find nothing in you but two eyes like all eyes,
a mouth lost among a thousand mouths that I have kissed,
more beautiful,
a body just like those that have slipped beneath my body without leaving any memory.
And how empty you went through the world like a wheat-colored jar without air,
without sound, without substance!
I vainly sought in you depth for my arms that dig,
without cease, beneath the earth: beneath your skin,
beneath your eyes,
beneath your double breast scarcely raised a current of crystalline order that does not know why it flows singing.
Why, why, why, my love, why?
Pablo Neruda

Monday, August 01, 2005

Too much love wasted

Hot and sunny Monday morning

It is 9.15am.I woke up early this morning. Fried some chicks, went into the room to choose what shirt to wear to work and voila, my chicks got burnt. An exciting kick-start to my day!

I’ve been spending the last 3 days listening to a couple of broken hearts. Both are my good friends and now they embarked on a journey to separate destinations.

The girl is still coping with the breakup. She got too comfy with him being around. Now, she is lost without him.

The boy? He found someone new and he puzzles me. A lot.
I am actually torn in between. I can’t justify myself.

What am I to do? Nothing. I am too numb to think about it.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Weird World of Mine

Pile on the agony

It’s been a long week. I came back late from work and went straight to bed. I totally had forgotten about my blog. So many things happened, too many sadness and grief. A few hearts are broken and a lot more in despair.

I had a very terrible week I should say. I went to work feeling cranky the whole week and luckily nobody got hurt out of this, though I had showed the finger to quite a few people. I am so thankful that I am still alive up to this day.

My heart has been crumbled and tossed all over this week. I wish I could’ve iron my heart to make all the wrinkles gone. It would be better if I could send my heart to dry cleaning, alas I’m broke and sending my heart to the dry cleaning is definitely a big no, no!

To the faithful departed

For some lovers in love, their love is not meant to last. To see these two people that I care about went their own separate ways, makes me feel like my heart has been tossed into the ditch. You know, like how you tossed the counseling report that you had to sign up though you had debated your reasons for being 5 minutes late for hours with your superior.

When I called him this afternoon, I just couldn’t believe my ear (I’ve started to question myself about my ability to hear well after having to listen to all the curses and pranks from the callers on daily basis) is it true? How are you coping? We paused in between, just to listen to his breath; heavy and slow. It was a torment to hear him that way. You can’t imagine how hurt it is to having to listen to him while he talked on how worry he is about her. It was even more depressing to hear him said I love you more to me before I hung up the phone.
I wish everything would turn out fine.


I talked to mum the other day. It all went well until out of a sudden she started to cry. She wished that I came back to live with her. But I don’t think that I could stay in the house. I always think about abah lately. It would be sad to see mum sleeping alone in her bed. I can’t be sleeping on my bed where his cold body was laid. It’s too agonizing just to think of it.

His birthday will be on in about 3 weeks. There won’t be any celebration or gifts to be sent home. I remember it very well. Two weeks after abah passed away, I went inside a shop to find some shirts for abah. I already chose the shirts that I wanted to buy for him when I was hit by reality. Abah is here no more and there’s nobody else that I could buy the shirts for.

I miss his cooking, very dearly. I miss his ketupat even more. But what I miss the most is the chat that we had every week without failed. When I called to check on the recipe, he’d argued with mum about the ingredients and the methods. It was funny to hear their banters. I guess that’s why mum feels so lonely without his wits.

When I went out with Gebob and Kojeh, we talked about how we all competed to give him the best gift. Mum would feel jealous when she saw all the gifts that we bought for his birthday. They both teased each other about who got the best gift ever. He never worn the last gift that I gave him, and most of the things that I bought were never been used. I bought him a few kain pelikat but he never worn them. I found them stacked neatly in his wardrobe, still in the wrappers. Mum asked me to take them back but I refused. Let it be stacked in there, as a sign of his past existence, which will always be missed.

I wish that I would have totally forgotten that 19th of August is just around the corner.

Are you crying?

I spoke to a dear friend the other night. She too, had a dreadful week. If I had wings, I would have took her under them (this would be after I put on a lot of deodorant) and protect her from all harms. I’d put away her misery by flapping my wings (which most probably need to be sprayed with febreeze after a few flap) and fly her to the highest mountain to leave all the anguish behind and let her have her peace.

Beforehand, I SMS-ed her about how I felt towards those people that have been hurting her feelings. She called me up after receiving my SMS. We talked about how mean these people are towards her when tears started to stream down my cheeks. The tears streamed down faster after I heard she said, “ Are you crying?”

I felt really angry and sad at that very moment because people can’t stop hurting other’s feelings though they barely know much about the person. I felt ashamed to know that respect and courtesy would one day become very alien ideas to us. I wish I could tell all these people who she really is, what she really means to most of us and how she has inspires us lot.

People can be so mean to each other. I suppose I don’t need to elaborate more on this. We know how people are. Alas, there’s nothing much that we could do about that. We can’t really protect our privacy lately, thanks to the thing called Internet. We can do as we wish, say things as we want to.

It's true what people say
God protect the ones who help themselves
in their own way
And I often wondered to myself:
Who protects the ones who can't protect themselves?

Cranberries-"Fee Fi Fo"

Weep buckets
I must confess that I could easily cry lately. Maybe I am getting fragile. Perhaps, I am getting older. Excuse me; I need to have a look in the mirror, just to check any signs of white hair.

"Be Yourself"
Someone falls to pieces
Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
And even when you've paid enough,
been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good
or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do