Saturday, July 30, 2005

Weird World of Mine


Pile on the agony

It’s been a long week. I came back late from work and went straight to bed. I totally had forgotten about my blog. So many things happened, too many sadness and grief. A few hearts are broken and a lot more in despair.

I had a very terrible week I should say. I went to work feeling cranky the whole week and luckily nobody got hurt out of this, though I had showed the finger to quite a few people. I am so thankful that I am still alive up to this day.

My heart has been crumbled and tossed all over this week. I wish I could’ve iron my heart to make all the wrinkles gone. It would be better if I could send my heart to dry cleaning, alas I’m broke and sending my heart to the dry cleaning is definitely a big no, no!

To the faithful departed

For some lovers in love, their love is not meant to last. To see these two people that I care about went their own separate ways, makes me feel like my heart has been tossed into the ditch. You know, like how you tossed the counseling report that you had to sign up though you had debated your reasons for being 5 minutes late for hours with your superior.

When I called him this afternoon, I just couldn’t believe my ear (I’ve started to question myself about my ability to hear well after having to listen to all the curses and pranks from the callers on daily basis) is it true? How are you coping? We paused in between, just to listen to his breath; heavy and slow. It was a torment to hear him that way. You can’t imagine how hurt it is to having to listen to him while he talked on how worry he is about her. It was even more depressing to hear him said I love you more to me before I hung up the phone.
I wish everything would turn out fine.

PERSONAL

I talked to mum the other day. It all went well until out of a sudden she started to cry. She wished that I came back to live with her. But I don’t think that I could stay in the house. I always think about abah lately. It would be sad to see mum sleeping alone in her bed. I can’t be sleeping on my bed where his cold body was laid. It’s too agonizing just to think of it.

His birthday will be on in about 3 weeks. There won’t be any celebration or gifts to be sent home. I remember it very well. Two weeks after abah passed away, I went inside a shop to find some shirts for abah. I already chose the shirts that I wanted to buy for him when I was hit by reality. Abah is here no more and there’s nobody else that I could buy the shirts for.

I miss his cooking, very dearly. I miss his ketupat even more. But what I miss the most is the chat that we had every week without failed. When I called to check on the recipe, he’d argued with mum about the ingredients and the methods. It was funny to hear their banters. I guess that’s why mum feels so lonely without his wits.

When I went out with Gebob and Kojeh, we talked about how we all competed to give him the best gift. Mum would feel jealous when she saw all the gifts that we bought for his birthday. They both teased each other about who got the best gift ever. He never worn the last gift that I gave him, and most of the things that I bought were never been used. I bought him a few kain pelikat but he never worn them. I found them stacked neatly in his wardrobe, still in the wrappers. Mum asked me to take them back but I refused. Let it be stacked in there, as a sign of his past existence, which will always be missed.

I wish that I would have totally forgotten that 19th of August is just around the corner.

Are you crying?

I spoke to a dear friend the other night. She too, had a dreadful week. If I had wings, I would have took her under them (this would be after I put on a lot of deodorant) and protect her from all harms. I’d put away her misery by flapping my wings (which most probably need to be sprayed with febreeze after a few flap) and fly her to the highest mountain to leave all the anguish behind and let her have her peace.

Beforehand, I SMS-ed her about how I felt towards those people that have been hurting her feelings. She called me up after receiving my SMS. We talked about how mean these people are towards her when tears started to stream down my cheeks. The tears streamed down faster after I heard she said, “ Are you crying?”

I felt really angry and sad at that very moment because people can’t stop hurting other’s feelings though they barely know much about the person. I felt ashamed to know that respect and courtesy would one day become very alien ideas to us. I wish I could tell all these people who she really is, what she really means to most of us and how she has inspires us lot.

People can be so mean to each other. I suppose I don’t need to elaborate more on this. We know how people are. Alas, there’s nothing much that we could do about that. We can’t really protect our privacy lately, thanks to the thing called Internet. We can do as we wish, say things as we want to.

It's true what people say
God protect the ones who help themselves
in their own way
And I often wondered to myself:
Who protects the ones who can't protect themselves?

Cranberries-"Fee Fi Fo"

Weep buckets
I must confess that I could easily cry lately. Maybe I am getting fragile. Perhaps, I am getting older. Excuse me; I need to have a look in the mirror, just to check any signs of white hair.


"Be Yourself"
Someone falls to pieces
Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
And even when you've paid enough,
been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good
or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

4 messages:

CaZa said...

cik kekura,

hang in there.

be strong ya?

Nana said...

aku pun turut bersedeyh..harap2 semuanyakan OK

maggot said...

Alamak. Sedey2 ni nasib baik ko keje. Kalo tak misti lagi pikir. Takde cite hantu Melayu ke nak tgk skang arr? Leh gak bantai gelak.

kekure said...

Peeps,thanks for ur support..Kekure Rocks! hehehe(tetibe jek kwang 3x)