The complete idiot's guides to: calling help line

This is exactly how the freshies look like on their first day at the call center

Since I’ve started working at call center, which is Rafferty's rules I realized one thing; People don’t have any ideas on how to make a phone call to the help line. In the end, they will feel frustrated for not getting the answers needed from the Customer Service Executives (CSE) of the Telco. So I shall write down all the things that deemed necessary in order for you as the customer to get the best customer service ever (literally).

1) Pen and a piece of paper

Before you dial the help line, please make sure that you have these two things. The CSE will definitely say that he wouldn’t mind waiting for you to find the pen and paper while listening to you screaming at your kids to pass them to you. But one thing that you don’t know is that he is actually jotting down your number and planning to write them up the public phone booth and advertise you as an Along.

2) Location

Do not call help line while watching TV or listening to the radio. The static will annoys the CSE since their headphone really is sensitive. You will then be instructed to go out of the house and scream your lungs out since the CSE claimed that he couldn’t hear you well. You would end up looking like a lunatic talking on the phone in the compound. This is a very good way for the CSE to embarrass you with the whole neighborhood as a revenge for the static.

3) Voice

Make sure that you speak with a very pleasant voice. Remember, the CSE doesn’t see your face. If you just woke up with only your kain pelikat and suddenly decided to recharge your phone’s credit ASAP, please make sure that you sound upbeat. Or else the CSE might come out with a very rude remark about how hoarse you sound since he is jealous that you could wake up at 1pm on Sunday morning whereas he have to start working at 7am.

Girls, make sure that you don’t sound like a transvestite on the phone. There’s no reason on why you should speak so soft like an Ah Kua. The CSE especially the girls will press the mute button and curse you like hell while asking you to repeat things over and over again until you got fed up and drop the line.

4) Details

Remember the details on any accounts. If you sound like a lost kid in the mall to the CSE you will suddenly realize that the soft spoken and understanding CSE suddenly sounds like his hemorrhoid is going to burst out.

Ensure that you understand when, how and why really means or you’d feel like you want to throw yourself out of the windows from the 30th floor for not getting the answers to your questions.

5) Prank call

If you decided to make a prank or silent call to the help line, please do not use your own phone. This is the most important rule especially if you want to play the sounds of people making up while you talk dirty to the CSE. Don’t be surprised if suddenly people keep calling you up and ask if you are available for a one-night stand every hour even while you are having a meeting with your potential girlfriend.

The worst thing could happen? Imagine that your car tyre is punctured in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night and your spare tyre is bald and you need to call for help. Suddenly you realize that your line has been barred and the only no that you could call is the TELCO help line. We won’t want that to happen, won’t we?

6) Names and numbers

Please make sure that you give your real name unless you intended to make a prank call.
If the CSE knows that you keep calling to check the balance credit of your girlfriend with different names daily, you will most probably get a very cold treatment or you wont get to check her balance at all.Remember your phone nos too. CSEs' can smell your lie miles away!

P/S: I’m going to write up about why I don’t want to entertain calls to check for balance for third party. The main reason is that I feel like there’s no trust in them. But that’s going to be posted in another posting J

7) Language

Do not, I repeat DO NOT SPEAK IN SLANGS, especially if you faking it. You don’t know whom are you dealing with.

8) Patience is the best policy

If you just activate any services, there’s no need for you t o be panic if after 5minutes the service has been not activated yet. You need to at least give 4hours for the service to be activated. It won’t speed up the process even if you call the help line every 30 minutes to check whether your service has been activated yet.

9) I no stupid

Case study 1:

Caller: I’d like to know how to listen to my ring tones. I’ve been trying but to no avail.
CSE: Miss, do you want to activate your ring tones?
Caller: **Indecisive** errrr…I suppose so..
CSE: Miss, you just need to (instructions given)
Caller: **perplexed** what’s that?
CSE: You haven’t activated the service. No wonder you can’t listen to any ring tones.

(Please read in a very irritated tones)

Case study 2:

Caller: I can’t make any outgoing phone calls from my phone. It’s a brand new phone for god sake! I just bought it last week! What the %^&* is going on?
CSE: Sir, there’s nothing wrong with either your phone or our service. It’s just that you have RM0.00 in your balance credit. Logically, you can’t make any outgoing phone calls except to the help line (please read this line in a very sarcastic tone)
Caller: oooh!(sheepishly drop the line)

10) Understand all these guidelines and know it by heart!

This is how a heart breaks

Just learned that two people that I love dearly have broke up.

My fave someone

He’s been very busy. We have many catching ups to do.

from Kahlil Gibran on Friendship

Your friend is one who answers to your needs:

the field you sow with love, and reap with thanks;

you seek him for your peace, to hear his heart;

and when he's silent - still his heart you hear: because, with words or not, you share his joy;

in presence or in absence he is there;

and stronger love may in his absence show: the beauty of a love that asks for naught.

So tell your friend of all that ebbs and flows,

your best and worst of what fate deals to you: no thought too great nor light for open minds

who share their pleasures, and their laughter too.

For in the dew of sweet and passing thoughts each morning's fresh, for close and constant hearts.

Michael Shepherd